The beauty of being broken is that the repair job is amazing.

By far my biggest challenge in my amazing walk with Christ has been my habit of picking men who ignore me in one way or another [daddy issues, yes I know... I'm a work in progress]. Having a presence in my life that goes out of their way to make themselves known to me, who actively pursues me, who absolutely NEVER ignores me and makes sure that I realize they are there.... well it's freaky. And sometimes it makes me want to come out of my skin because it is so unknown, so uncomfortable.

No human can fulfill this desire, this desire for completeness, this desire for the trampoline for my falls. I feel so overwhelmed by emotion when I think about the faithfulness of God. I started a Book of Miracles, on the suggestion of a friend, because there are so many clear concrete examples in my life that I hope to never ever forget them.

Perhaps what stuns me the most is the clear communication I get from Him on High. There's really no ambiguity. It's very black and white, with no real wiggle room. I honestly believe it's because I'm so frickin' stubborn that I don't listen until it IS absolutely black and white, no wiggle room. I realize every single time when I'm smacked upside the head who is doing this, where this comes from, why this is happening. I remember when Parke left over a year ago, and the wedding bells crashed, who was doing this. I didn't like the feeling, but I still knew that this was supposed to happen. I fought it, for five months..... but I still knew, deep down, that we weren't supposed to get married, I just couldn't admit it because my ego was too wrapped up in this "perfect" guy and his perfect family. I have come to the realization that the love I felt from his family kept me going far longer than our relationship actually did. Again, still seeking to fill that huge void, that black hole in my soul. Freedom is painful as hell.... I won't lie. The process of rending is like having your soul ripped out through your bellybutton. Sometimes you hurt so bad, all you can do is run away from polite civilization, up into the mtns and the trees, and pound and scream your fury and your hurt broken heart out into a tree.... something that won't break from your rage, your fury. Last year I did that more times than I can recount, in the midst of running back into his arms. [I did mention that I am stubborn...] Finally I couldn't stand the running. I gave in. I surrendered. On my knees, broken, sundered.

The beauty of being broken is that the repair job is amazing. The cracks still exist, that's called learning experiences. Much like my tattoos... all incredibly hard lessons to have learned, but beyond valuable to my growth and the state of my being, my soul. Much like my absolute adoration of crows feet, and scars on people. They tell a story, much like music does. I adore my scars and my silvers and my crows feet.... they say that a person has lived. The LIVING IS WHAT MATTERS. Obey without freaking question, and you are amply rewarded, rewarded beyond measure. I cannot explain this enough, with clarity for those with ears to hear. I heard it repeatedly before I finally got it. But.... I got it.

Just Breathe..... and let go. Fly.

Thursday, September 9, 2010 - Remembering May...

I wanted to write about this, because I have come to the realization in the last six months that He truly IS present in ALL the little things. I am CONSTANTLY surrounded by the Lord. So many people scoff and roll their eyes, preferring to believe that God is in this safe box on high, unattainable, too holy by far to bother with us and our trivialities of existence. I finally realized the reason for this... pure unadulterated FEAR. God is OVER-FREAKING-WHELMING to me. Tears fall freely, and it's not driven by sadness by any means, but rather because I am PHYSICALLY OVERWHELMED by what He does to me, how He has worked in my life, how He continues to care for me, day in, day out. He truly IS the trampoline for my falls. Every day I feel like He peels off another layer of my old self, every day a new pair of budding wings are revealed, every day I am that much more free. I got out of the shower this last weekend at the beach, noticed myself in the mirror, and was genuinely happy and accepting of what I saw, naked. I. Am. BEAUTIFUL. I adore my body, and yes, some parts could be tighter, toner, firmer. But honestly? I'm built the way I am and I enjoy it, and I approve of me. I APPROVE OF ME. Do you have ANY freaking idea how AWESOME that is???????????????

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Monday, May 17, 2010
John 2 - Three Things
What is God like?

God himself is present in all things. He takes an interest in the predicament of the poor (they ran out of wine). He works miracles with water, the very element of life. He not only changes water into wine, but He changes it into the very BEST wine, the choicest of vintages.

He also demands respect for His house, and will physically drive out and reprimand those who take His house for granted.

He refuses to perform on command, given by unbelievers, but rather still offers promises that He fulfills in the fullness of time.

He does not need a man's testimony or confession because he already knows a man, inside and out.

What needs to change in me to be more like Him?

Sometimes I have a really hard time realizing or at least, making it part of my every day living reality that He really is present in all things, every little thing. I have no trouble realizing that He is present in the big things, for some reason that's not an issue for me. I feel that it's probably the same for a lot of people, too. But for me, I really have issues with living with the daily awareness that He is literally IN all things, present, always.....

What will I do for Him today?

Today I will be more aware of His presence in all of the little things.....