Living Fearlessly...

This morning, in my email inbox, this little gem (!) was waiting for me. Granted, I didn't have time until almost eleven to take a peek, but I'm so very glad that I did. Some choice words that really struck me this morning:

"So the banks were fine after all. Just a little blip. Phew. But then something bigger hit me, much more troublesome. For one, I was ashamed how quickly I allowed myself to get freaked out over my own over-active imagination (though in this economic climate, it wasn’t that far-fetched to imagine!). For two—and this was the biggie—I realized that never in my worry had I prayed or sought God’s counsel or comfort. I ultimately found relief in my Blackberry.
This wasn’t the first time this sort of thing had happened. While I’m not necessarily a worrywart, I do have a tendency to let stress take hold, to let my mind go to the most extreme scenarios, and then, worst of all, to forget that indeed God is Lord of all. And that that same God—who is Lord of all—has told me not to be afraid, not to worry, and to take heart—because he has overcome this world of troubles.
And yet, how quickly I forget when things get scary, worrisome, and troubling. How quickly I turn to things like email alerts—and what other people are telling are telling me about situations—while forgetting to seek the Voice that really matters.
Even in times such as these, which seem awfully scary, I want to live fearlessly. But I need help. Any tips?"

What's amazing to me is that, on a regular basis, such thoughts and feelings are my life. That's what I experience. And it's only now and again that I truly realize, this is NOT what He intended.
I've had fits and starts of reading regularly in my Bible, and fits and starts of praying regularly, and fits and starts of this and that. But inevitably, those fits and starts never lead to what I want, a mature relationship with Christ as my Lord, and Savior. I like to tell myself that I'm getting better at it, this ephemerous-relationship-thing, but there's still a huge part of me that believes that you aren't truly "there" until it's PERFECT. Is that real? Or is that the Devil I'm listening to?
A lot of things are confusing, at times. But I do know, honestly, that if I ask, I shall receive, and the door shall be opened to me, if I knock. I guess old habits are hard to break, because knocking and asking are still pretty difficult for me. I am, however, getting better at it.

Ask, and You Shall Receive

God Is So Good!!

This has never been more apparent to me than in the last week. God does indeed deliver, especially when you leave the details up to Him.

God has moved things in my direction that I never expected, and knowing that I have Him to rely on is so amazing. I asked, and I am receiving. I picked up an extra two hours/week this afternoon for tutoring. I'm so very, very excited. I need those hours. I also told the asst. mgr. at the college that I'd be willing to work 7-11am, Tues-Thurs to pick up extra hours for them until the end of this quarter, and that I'd be willing to work M-Th 7-12 next quarter. She looked really excited to hear about that, I wonder if the head mgr will go for it. I hope so, but if she does not, then I'll keep looking for extra income. We did a cost analysis equation in my math class today, and for some reason it really struck me that the faster we can get our debt paid down, the easier it will be for us to buy our farm. I knew all this, intellectually, but for some strange reason, it hit me straight in the heart, and I'm filled with this drastic urging to get it done yesterday. I want to be free of these ties.

In other news, I've been listening to more Willie Nelson and crew than I normally do. I know it has a lot to do with the "season". Every October 31st, my mood shifts to appreciating the oncoming snow and winter... Thanksgiving, Christmas, and my father's passing. I always get very nostalgic during this season, and think so much about how much he'd just love P. He would love to see how much I glow when I am with him, how much at peace I am, now that I've recognized Christ as my God and Savior, and he would absolutely be thrilled with our plans for a farm and going back to the way things used to be, homesteading. It's a return to my roots, and I know he would be tickled pink. I also know how thrilled and tickled he would be, seeing my younger siblings doing so well, having babies to continue the bloodline, getting married, and such. One of these days, I will be making a trip to California to see them, before we head to the East Coast.

It's funny how things change, but somehow we're the same. Principles remain, and yearnings still happen.

Oh One More Thing Quick!

Thanks to my wonderful friend M, who brought back several skirts from her recent trip to visit family, I have been able to wear skirts for the last five days straight. I've never felt more feminine, or at peace, than any other time I can remember. It feels WONDERFUL!!! I've talked with P regarding this craving of mine, to return to wearing skirts, and he fully supports it, and indeed says that I look quite wonderful and seem to be happier than ever in doing so, and if so, then to definitely continue. It is so wonderful to have someone in my life who continues to be a huge support, as well as a good shoulder, and a delightful ear.

God's Hand....

Hidden at times, but always, always present.
This week, I've been bonked on the head more times than I can remember in recent history. I've begun praying in the mornings again, something I was convicted to do, earlier this year, but as with most things, practice makes perfect and I have been too lazy to make it a habit and practice.
This morning, I felt I had to read Ecclesiastes. I'm very grateful that I did, for I stumbled onto things that are true treasures, things that I'd seen before, but had managed to forget.

Ecclesiastes 9
Everyone Will Die
9:1 So I reflected on all this, attempting to clear it all up.
I concluded that the righteous and the wise, as well as their works, are in the hand of God;
whether a person will be loved or hated –
no one knows what lies ahead.
9:2 Everyone shares the same fate –
the righteous and the wicked,
the good and the bad,
the ceremonially clean and unclean,
those who offer sacrifices and those who do not.
What happens to the good person, also happens to the sinner;
what happens to those who make vows, also happens to those who are afraid to make vows.

9:3 This is the unfortunate fact about everything that happens on earth:
the same fate awaits everyone.
In addition to this, the hearts of all people are full of evil,
and there is folly in their hearts during their lives – then they die.

Better to Be Poor but Alive than Rich but Dead
9:4 But whoever is among the living has hope;
a live dog is better than a dead lion.
9:5 For the living know that they will die, but the dead do not know anything;
they have no further reward – and even the memory of them disappears.
9:6 What they loved, as well as what they hated and envied, perished long ago,
and they no longer have a part in anything that happens on earth.

Life is Brief, so Cherish its Joys
9:7 Go, eat your food with joy,
and drink your wine with a happy heart,
because God has already approved your works.
9:8 Let your clothes always be white,
and do not spare precious ointment on your head.
9:9 Enjoy life with your beloved wife during all the days of your fleeting life
that God has given you on earth during all your fleeting days;
for that is your reward in life and in your burdensome work on earth.
9:10 Whatever you find to do with your hands,
do it with all your might,
because there is neither work nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom in the grave,
the place where you will eventually go.

Wisdom Cannot Protect against Seemingly Chance Events
9:11 Again, I observed this on the earth:
the race is not always won by the swiftest,
the battle is not always won by the strongest;
prosperity does not always belong to those who are the wisest,
wealth does not always belong to those who are the most discerning,
nor does success always come to those with the most knowledge –
for time and chance may overcome them all.
9:12 Surely, no one knows his appointed time!
Like fish that are caught in a deadly net, and like birds that are caught in a snare –
just like them, all people are ensnared at an unfortunate time that falls upon them suddenly.

Most People Are Not Receptive to Wise Counsel
9:13 This is what I also observed about wisdom on earth,
and it is a great burden to me:
9:14 There was once a small city with a few men in it,
and a mighty king attacked it, besieging it and building strong siege works against it.
9:15 However, a poor but wise man lived in the city,
and he could have delivered the city by his wisdom,
but no one listened to that poor man.
9:16 So I concluded that wisdom is better than might,
but a poor man’s wisdom is despised; no one ever listens to his advice.

Wisdom versus Fools, Sin, and Folly
9:17 The words of the wise are heard in quiet,
more than the shouting of a ruler is heard among fools.
9:18 Wisdom is better than weapons of war,
but one sinner can destroy much that is good.

Ecclesiastes 11

Ignorance of the Future Demands Diligence in the Present
11:1 Send your grain overseas,
for after many days you will get a return.
11:2 Divide your merchandise among seven or even eight investments,
for you do not know what calamity may happen on earth.
11:3 If the clouds are full of rain, they will empty themselves on the earth,
and whether a tree falls to the south or to the north, the tree will lie wherever it falls.
11:4 He who watches the wind will not sow,
and he who observes the clouds will not reap.
11:5 Just as you do not know the path of the wind,
or how the bones form in the womb of a pregnant woman,
so you do not know the work of God who makes everything.
11:6 Sow your seed in the morning,
and do not stop working until the evening;
for you do not know which activity will succeed –
whether this one or that one, or whether both will prosper equally.

Life Should Be Enjoyed Because Death is Inevitable
11:7 Light is sweet,
and it is pleasant for a person to see the sun.
11:8 So, if a man lives many years, let him rejoice in them all,
but let him remember that the days of darkness will be many – all that is about to come is obscure.

Enjoy Life to the Fullest under the Fear of God
11:9 Rejoice, young man, while you are young,
and let your heart cheer you in the days of your youth.
Follow the impulses of your heart and the desires of your eyes,
but know that God will judge your motives and actions.
11:10 Banish emotional stress from your mind.
and put away pain from your body;
for youth and the prime of life are fleeting.