The past few months have been interesting. I can feel a constant push/pull tug of war going on and it's exciting to be able to feel such things within me, as well as to see how it interacts with the world around me. One interesting change I've noted: "stories" in the Old Testament & New Testament aren't just "stories" anymore. They've become real on a more personal level, so much so that I've begun to see that the influences of the deep past are still prevalent today. They are still knocking around, still gaining a hold and threatening to tear those who love God most into itty-bitty shreds, a millimeter at a time. Doesn't seem like it's much at first, a millimeter. But it's rather like a jar of pennies. At first the little bits of copper don't seem like much, til the glass bouy you have them in shatters under the weight of all that copper.
I've been reading up on Jezebel. I think most people immediately associate the word Jezebel with promiscuity, lasciviousness, wantonness, sexual immorality, etc... But what I don't think a lot of people see is the underside of the Jezebel spirit: the manipulation, the control, the power-seeking hunger, the overreaching sense of SELF involved.They also don't see the counterpart to Jezebel: her husband Ahab, who to all intents and purposes was emasculated by his wife, thoroughly controlled, who basically abdicated his throne in favor of her rule (all behind the scenes of course). Here's the best part: Jezebel was a VERY devout woman. VERY DEVOUT. However, she violated the cardinal rule: Thou shalt have no other gods before Me (including the god of SELF, Baal, and Ashteroth).
Being fully submitted to God is hard work. Admitting that I am very good friends with the Spirit of Jezebel is humbling, and humiliating. Recognizing that I have walked in these shoes for 17 years, never realizing what I was doing to my partners, nor myself, is a test of self-awareness and openness to God's hand as nothing ever before. I still struggle, desperately at times, against my desire for a husband, a mate. And while I desire it, I still fear it, fear what I may turn into, as a wife. Do I lose respect for my husband? What if I make a mistake? What if what if what if....
It all goes back to being submitted to God. And it IS hard work, the hardest work I've ever undertaken in my entire life. However, if I'd wanted the easy life, I would have been married five times over by this point in time.
Long story short: daily awareness of submission is important, vastly far more important than whether or not a client has called in, returned paperwork, a coworker drives you nuts, someone from your small group who doesn't respect you, the fact that you're unhappy in your marriage, you feel desperately alone, your kids are heathen monsters, or the fact that the earth is currently going to hell in a handbasket and our nation is driving. Trusting in God, being SUBMITTED TO GOD, means trusting Him with the small stuff. Really. After all, He takes care of you, doesn't He? :P