Saturday, May 14, 2011

God, and Alaska.... some thoughts.

“For You did form my inward parts; You did knit me together in my mother's womb. I will confess and praise You for You are fearful and wonderful and for the awful wonder of my birth! Wonderful are Your works, and that my inner self knows right well.” (Psalm 139:13-14)

So I was doing some poking around online, and came across one of my friend Michelle's posts. I was thrilled to read it. THRILLED. And I realized that I haven't posted anything here since I left the lower 48.

I've been in this weird up/down state since the plane touched the tarmac. First thing, I got lost in the airport. Really. I did. Everything looked the same, sort of. But then when I got down to where I just knew the baggage claim was.... well, it wasn't there. They'd changed it. Have you ever gone through an environment where you just KNOW where everything is supposed to be, because you've gone there so many times, but then this last time, it all looked the same, yet it didn't? I've lost my way, a bit.

I knew going into this that it would not be easy. That was the point of going this way. I knew that if I'd stayed where I was comfortable, I would not have grown. I would have stagnated. So I followed His leading, and here I am. UNCOMFORTABLE. God and I have the most amazing relationship, we honestly do. We argue all the time. Rather, I argue, He smiles at me in tender loving, and then I do my own thing, convinced that I am right..... and eventually I submit to Him. Yes, Father, you were right. (Of Course.)

The thing is, I know that He's been with me this entire time. I know this. I have a peace about being here, even though it's so uncomfortable for me. Ravens have been talking to me. Non-stop. I hear them every morning and they are having such great conversations. It's one of the things that I have missed most about Home. It's hard to explain how the soil of a place gets beneath your skin so much that you don't realize that it's there until you're not there. Alaska is, and always will be, HOME.

It's interesting to me, being here again. Everything is different, yet it's the same. It's as I said earlier: you know where things are, yet.... you don't, quite. It's disorienting to say the least. My first full day back, we did some "sight-seeing", basically just driving around town to look around and show me what had changed. Oh my goodness, SO MUCH HAS CHANGED!!! Most of the buildings that I knew before are still here, but now streets are wider, things look just slightly off, and of course there are more buildings, newer buildings. I was in complete shock. I think the shock is beginning to wear off.... sort of. This feeling of disorientation is like nothing I've ever felt before. I feel like it is beginning to wear off, though, finally. I've been sort of holed up, trying to find my sea legs/land legs again. I feel like it's time to venture forth, however. I FEEL Him present, gently pushing me out, watching my legs wobble a bit, His hand right behind me, ready to scoop me up should I stumble.

Today, I am headed out to the Loussac, one of the libraries here in town. I remember this library so much from my youth. I'm EXCITED to go there again. It feels like FOREVER.