Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Self-Awareness = Self Realization = Self Love = Accepting God's Love

Last night was a particularly painful experience. Met with two women from church who are so filled with Grace I cannot even begin to explain it.

Praying to the Lord and asking for direction, asking for protection, renouncing b.s...... it came out that one of the ladies had a picture of Jesus, at my feet, washing me in His love, His acceptance, His wanting of me, as I am, broken and unhealthy.

The thought of Jesus sitting at my feet, holding my hands, washing my feet and giving me all of His love is too much for me to handle. All I could hear in my brain was "Why would He do that?" Over, and over, and over again.

Stark terror, in all honesty. That's my position, at the feet, washing feet and giving comfort. I'm not one to easily accept someone at MY feet, offering comfort. It feels..... wrong. So wrong.

I'm the one that accepts others, I am the one that gives of myself so much that there's nothing left, in the end, except a little kernel, that slowly grows in the absence of giving, to be given away again.

I never realized how lonely I really was, in the end... that when someone actually talked to me about the things I care so much about, I fell right into the self-destructive nature of a non-relationship-relationship again. How did I do that? Really? So many others I'd been able to rebuff, strong inside, secure in the knowledge that I was doing the correct thing, that their path was not mine, nor ours, together. No second thoughts.

I realized I'm no different than father, somehow. I've always believed he had white-knight syndrome... I guess somehow I do, too?

How is it that I honestly believe that if you throw enough love at something, or someone, eventually it will all even out in the end, and they/it/whatever will work out and be healed? That if you never give up, you're not letting them down? That you should NEVER give up, no matter what?

Where is the demarcation line between faith, and idiocy? Hope, and self-destruction?

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