Woke up this morning feeling..... antsy. Anxious. My thoughts flew around in circles, rattling around in my brain pan. (That is an actual anatomical term, can you believe it?) I'm having incredible trouble focusing. I keep trying to breathe deep, and just get on with the process of "getting on with it".
Just read a post, though, from my friend in Christ, Michelle. Her thoughts really echoed where I am finding myself, this morning, grasping at straws and wondering what I've done, in severing the ties of my most immediate two-year "past".
I'm a new Christian. I am still stumbling. I am still trying to find my way on this journey, and therein lies the problem. Always. It amazes me that my own simple words, and thought processes reveal the actual root of all of my problems:
I am still trying to find MY OWN WAY on this journey.
Wow. Talk about resonance phenomena. Today, is one of those days. I have a choice, right now, in this very moment as I sit typing, the words I am laying down on screen echoing what I hear in my mind's eye. (ear?)
How much do I really trust Christ?
Do I truly believe that God is in control, and has a purpose?
A purpose, just for me? (unworthy, inconsequential, nutty little me.... seriously?)
If I truly DO believe and TRUST, I am definitely NOT acting like it.
Not this morning, and if I'll be honest, not for the majority of the last (almost) year since I accepted Christ into my heart as my savior.
I have done things which must seriously grieve the Lord, simply due to His overwhelming love, for unworthy, inconsequential, nutty little me.
And I was honestly considering repeating some of those very selfsame things, for the last hour and a half.
God truly is great. For without seemingly-coincidental interventions, I would not have had this moment of clarity.